I can't really describe my day in words... It's just so hard. Beautiful doesn't do it justice and eye-opening is far too vague. So please excuse this poorly written post as I try to explain the most incredible realizations I've had the past two days.
So yesterday I drove 12 hours from DC and ended up in Nashville as part of these crazy attempts to be adventurous and find myself. (Update: I'm still searching). Anyways, I was jamming out to Taylor Swift, Two Door Cinema Club, Colbie Caillat and Walk the Moon - listed in order of importance (that fact is key) when I realized I looked completely stupid dancing in my car.
This was it. The moment I had been waiting for for a really long time...
I didn't care that I looked stupid! I wouldn't have cared if the cutest boy I had ever met saw me. But that's what was so strange... I have always cared! I have never not cared! I stopped. Turned down the music. Smiled upon this revelation and took it in for a moment. And turned up How You Get the Girl and got back to dancing.
This sparked another realization. My entire life, my number one fear was always that I would end up alone. In high school, I thought by the time I graduated from college I would be married and from that point forward I would always have someone to do life with. I had the same best friends all growing up and hated spending weekends by myself. It was horrible - I would get anxiety if I didn't have a friend to hang out with for the weekend or a boy to text me goodnight (I can't believe I just said that - That is pathetic).
Then life happens and laughs in your face when your plan isn't the same as reality.
I have been alone a good bit since graduation. I moved away from all of my friends and haven't made a whole lot of new ones. I haven't had a boyfriend since high school and I certainly don't see any new developments in my life that look promising. Putting these facts together, my 16-year-old self would have a heart attack.
While I was in the car for the 10th hour of the day by myself, I started laughing because my brain had realized something that my heart hadn't figured out yet: I love my life because it's amazing. I mean this very seriously, not in a prestigious, "oh I'm so cool" kind of way. I get to travel and explore and do all the things I want to do and none of the things I don't want to do and not in spite of being alone but because I am alone. I have no one else to worry about. I get to stop along my journeys and visit my friends and my family because I'm the only person I have to account for. I'm the luckiest duck!
Now, I'm in Nashville.. alone, wandering around, which is what I seem to do best. I wouldn't have it any other way, I thought...
And then I got a flat tire - trouble in paradise (Wow, it sure would be nice to have a boyfriend to help me out with this -- Newsflash, AAA is the new boyfriend).
Within the hour I was getting a new tire put on my car and the most satisfying part of the situation is that I took care of it all by myself! That's right, I rock.
AND THEN... of course today was an eventful day... an ex-something (not sure what you want to call him) texted me. This is strange because it has been over two years since we've talked. But the best part: I didn't feel the need to say "sorry," "I miss you," or anything of the things you are inevitably roped into saying because you feel bad. This was the first time, maybe ever, that I was unapologetically me. Pretty funny how life works, isn't it?
In short summary, I realized three really important things about myself: I love to dance in the car (or anywhere). I love being alone -- for right now. And I love who I am and who I'm becoming.
I hope you find these revelations in your life someday soon.
Anyways, I've hit my 30 minute mark for the day and I'd like to go explore a bit more (and I'm out of coffee).
Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. We'll chat soon,
P.S. Check out my favorite poem to remind yourself how lucky you are:
When you think things are bad,
When you feel sour or blue,
When you start to get mad,
You should do what I do!
Just tell yourself, Duckie,
You're really quite lucky!
Some people are much more...
Oh, ever so much more...
Oh, muchly much-much more
Unlucky than you!
-Dr. Seuss, Did I Ever Tell You How Lucky You Are?