This is a spontaneous edition of "Things I Hate Tuesday." Today, I hate complacency and the fact that many people in my life seem to be ok with it. I'm not, because it drug me down a hole that is proving to be very difficult to get out of. If that's you... I hope this helps.
This is a life update that might not be pretty because I'm not putting a filter on it. I recently went back home for the weekend to visit and catch up with some friends and a lot of acquaintances. The one phrase I heard more than "it was so great to see you" was "your life looks so cool." My life looks cool? According to Instagram, maybe. But walk a day in my shoes and cool will be the last adjective that comes to mind.
I used to jokingly say that as a Communication major I studied how to be good at social media. In retrospect, that's more true than I would like to admit. I take a photo about 38 times before I find the right one and recently I actually paid for an app to edit photos. It's getting ridiculous. My number of likes have gone down since graduation due to the fact people are finally rid of me in real life so they got rid of me on social media, too. I don't blame them, I probably don't follow half of you reading this post. My likes are about half of what they used to be, and I admit, it was weird at first. I have friends who get almost 1,000 likes on a photo and it really makes me question why I celebrate when I hit 85.
So sure, my life looks "cool" on social media. Because who the hell posts photos of bad days unless they look hipster and trendy? For those of you who think my life is absolutely wonderful, please refer to my post about depression. 5 months since then and I'm here to say... it doesn't go away. Sometimes you just really won't feel good enough, you'll question what you're doing with your life and where you're going, and being depressed is a miserable state to be in.
Last night was the worst it's been in a while and I'm sharing that with you because I hate knowing that someone out there needs help and probably isn't asking me because my life looks "too cool" to help them. I am undoubtedly in a rut right now. I see the light but can't figure out how close or far it is and it's stressing me out. People think it's because I'm figuring out who I am and what I want to do with my life but that's not the case. I know what I want to do with my life but right now I have other things that I'm simultaneously trying to juggle and it's getting overwhelming and exhausting.
When I try to talk to my family about this, they simply say "well this is where you need to be now to get where you're going later." I call this complacency - being ok just sitting miserable because you hope one day you'll just start doing something else. I don't believe that. I don't believe in living one day, one minute, one second doing something you don't want to do. Go full force into your dreams. I'm trying to do that. I'm really trying.
It's strange because you want to think that one day you'll wake up and your life really will be the way you portray it to people - happy and sunny all the time. I think pursuing your dreams will bring hard days too. But those hard days will end with a goal in sight and not just a placeholder for what you want to do.
I feel like I keep failing myself. (And now I feel like I'm failing you, if you're even still paying attention to this.) My mind is going in 1,000 directions, much like this post. I'm really not sure what is going on in my brain or how to pull myself together. I keep wondering if I could change the little decisions I've made in my life, how different things would be or how much happier I could be.
I have come to terms with the fact that people mess up, but still haven't come to terms with the fact that I mess up too. I am allowed to do stupid stuff and make a mess of myself. It's ok to live an unfiltered life. Eventually things will get better one day, the sun will shine, and I won't need to edit that day of my life to make other people think that everything is alright.
I am here now. No matter how I got here or what decisions led to this moment. I am here, stuck in a rut. And it's time to pull myself out because my dreams and aspirations can't go on unless I do.