I'm nostalgic for everything. I constantly find myself reflecting on the "good times" so much that I forget to enjoy living in the moment. And then, all of a sudden, in a quick instance, the moment is gone. I'm a writer at heart, in case you didn't pick up on that, so I always saw my life as a book series. I lived my life, one chapter at a time, but I always try to re-read chapters that have already been written instead of focusing on the one that I'm currently writing. This isn't your typical "I'm not ready to leave college yet, because I'm scared of the future" post ... well, it's not entirely.
Of course I'm scared. I'm terrified. The concept of making friends is weird enough. Am I supposed to move to a new city and walk up to a stranger and say, "Hi, I'm awkward. You look awkward too. So I think we should be friends." - I don't think it works like that (If it does, please let me know). I've been one of the lucky ones. Upon moving to Charleston, where I did not know a single soul, I somehow managed to make friends who quickly became family. Leaving them is a nightmare and replacing them is an incomprehensible thought. It will be impossible. But, do you know what's neat about books? The characters don't have to change.
But it's inevitable. Change is in the air. It's everywhere I go. It's the realization that the last time I waved at an acquaintance I've seen every Tuesday for the past three years could be the very last time I see them. It's the fact that the last time I went to Folly with a group of my closest friends could be the last time we will all hang out together. It's the last undergraduate class, last final exam, or last paper of my college career.
I am starting to slowly come to terms with this idea of change. To some, starting over is the fresh start they are desperately looking for. But I'm not necessarily looking for that do-over or restart. I like my life just the way it is and the fact that it is about to be flipped upside down and all I can do is count down the days is absolutely horrifying. Change is the dominant force in my life right now. When I think about moving on, change turns to chaos.
If I've learned anything during my short lifetime, it's that we have one choice and one choice only - to embrace chaos.
I sat on a bench in the city I will call my new home in a little over one month. I was watching people, taking it all in, and contemplating these thoughts that I translated to paper... and it hit me.
This is the time when I get to be whoever I want to be.
Oh! The Places You'll Go! was my favorite book as a child. I dreamed of moving away and making something of myself. So why am I so afraid of what's next? Why do I feel like this is as good as it gets? Am I not still that child who believed the world was her oyster?
I will always remember my years at the College of Charleston as an incredible time with great, not good, people. But if college was the best four (well, three) years of my life, I should just quit now. I must believe that it can only get better from here.
I know it won't always be great, and life will throw curve balls that are impossible to dodge. I understand that there will be good days and bad days - I'm not a romantic, in that sense - but I do believe that life is good to those who value it the most. It is my duty to make that conscious decision every single day to make life the best damn adventure it can be. Because "it's opener there, in the wide open air." I don't have to fear the future. I have to embrace it, and make it whatever I want it to be. Change is happening. I've reached a new beginning. And I'm ready for what's next.
Γ Ν Ω Θ Ι Σ Α Υ Τ Ο Ν